Yes, I'm being paid to fight this battle, but I guess, money is not always the end. Especially if one's sanity, peace of mind, and happiness is on the line. Sadly, I became a pawn in this nasty battle - a pawn manipulated because of the monetary gains that I get. It's like a drug that has grown on me and to let go means to suffer from withdrawal syndrome. But I know soon the weariness, stress, and frustration will get the better of me. Knowing myself, the need for the dough will not outweigh my longing for peace of mind. It's just a matter of time...

Ito ay isang bukas na liham para sa ilan kong kakilala.

Una, nais kong ipaalam sa inyo na sa anim na opisina na akin nang napasukan, sa kasalukuyan kong opisina ako pinaka-aburido. Ayos lang sana ang aburido sa trabaho. Lumilipas at pana-panahon lang naman ang mga masakit sa ulo na tiket. Sana ganun din ang sitwasyon sa mga chismosa't intrigera sa opisina. Sana pana-panahon at sana lumilipas din sila. Kaya lang hindi. Kaya dagdag-aburido ang mga ganitong tao.

Ikalawa, nais ko ipaalam sa inyo na alam ko karamihan (hindi man lahat) ng bagay na sinasabi nyo sa likod ko. Mabait ang Diyos. Hindi pa rin ako pinapabayaan. May mga matitino at mga totoong tao pa rin sa opisina.. mga totoong tao na hindi gaya ninyong mga Hudas. Mula ng makilala ko kayo, nalaman ko na nagsasalita, naglalakad, tumatawa, at nagtsi-tsismisan pala ang mga timba at aparador ng Orocan. Ganun kasi kayo. Orocan sa kaplastikan. Mabait kapag kaharap. Kaaway na lihim kapag nakatalikod.

Ikatlo, wala akong pakialam kung iilan na lang tao ang pumapansin sa akin sa opisina. Hindi naman ako pumapasok para makipag-chismisan at makipag-huntahan lang, gaya ninyo. Pumapasok ako sa opisina para magtrabaho at ayusin ang mga bwisit kong tikets, hindi para makipag-tsismisan at mag-kape, tanghalian, meryenda break - gaya ninyo. Wala sa akin kung hindi ninyo ako pansinin, basta kinakausap ako ng mga amo ko (boss ko), ng HR (dahil sila ang nagpapasahod sa akin), at ng iilang piling kaibigan na alam kong totoo.

Ikaapat, kung akala nyo takot ako na bitiwan itong hinahawakan ko ngayon, nagkakamali kayo. Hindi ako gaya ninyo. Napaka-gagaling humusga at napakayayabang sa pag-iisip na madali ang hawak ko, pero napaka-duwag din naman na hawakan ang hawak ko. Kung totoong magaling kayo gaya ng ibinibida ninyo, bakit ayaw nyo sumubok man lang sa ginagawa ko. Ang hirap sa inyo, ang dali nyong magsalita at magsabi na mababaw lang ang tubig, pero takot kayong tumalon at sumisid para malaman kung gaano kababaw o kalalim.

Ikalima, mali kayo kung inaakala ninyo na takot ako mawalan ng trabaho kaya ako malapit sa ilan tao sa opisina. Marunong lang ako manimbang kung sino ang mga taong dapat pakitaan ng mabuti dahil mabuti rin naman sila sa akin. Kung naging mabuti din kayo sa akin, malapit din ako sa inyo. Kung di ninyo ako binanatan sa likod, hindi ko rin kayo babanatan sa bukas na liham na ito. Hindi ako takot mawalan ng trabaho. Hinayang, oo. Takot hindi. May kaibahan ang dalawa. At kung matanggal man ako, alam kong malinis ang konsensya ko. Malinis ang konsensya ko dahil ginawa ko ang trabaho ko sa abot ng makakaya ko. Hanggang bahay inuuwi ko ang trabaho ko. Minsan umaabot pa sa puntong ang oras ko para sa anak ko ay napupunta pa sa trabaho. Malinis ang konsensya ko na ginawa ko ang makakaya ko, na hindi ko inubos ang oras ko sa opisina sa panonood ng DVD, pamamasyal sa mall, pag-iinternet, pagtsi-tsismisan, at pagkain ng tangalian ng merienda na inaabot ng isang oras mahigit. Maaaring hindi ako kasing-talino ninyo, pero alam kong hindi dapat abusuhin ang trabaho at talino ko. Sa bagay na 'to, hindi ako takot na mawalan ng trabaho - ang utak at talino kasi nagagawan ng paraan basta't may tiyaga, pero ang pangit na ugali at asal, mahirap hanapan ng lunas.

Hindi ko alam kung magkakabati pa tayo. Hindi ako umaasa. Hindi ko nga alam kung mababasa ninyo ito. Isinulat ko ito para ipaabot sa inyo na mulat ako sa mga pinagagagawa nyo sa akin. Hindi dahil sa tahimik ako ay hindi ko dinaramdam ang mga bagay bagay. Hindi dahil sa tahimik ako takot ako sa inyo. Hinding-hindi. Pinili kong manahimik dahil ayaw ko pumatol sa mga katulad ninyo. Sayang lang ang laway, oras, at pagod ko. Naniniwala ako sa karma. Naniniwala ako na hindi natutulog ang Diyos. Bahala na Siya sa inyo.

Desiderata
- Les Crane

Desiderata. Desiderata. Desiderata.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others -
Even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons - they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career -
However humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
Many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection, neither be cynical about love.
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
It is as perenial as the grass.
Take kindly the council of the years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune,
But do not distress yourself with imaginings -
Many fears are borne of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe.
No less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy.

I took 4-days off from work. I knew I would be needed at home, even if my Dad keeps telling me "Ok lang, Anak. Sige, pumasok ka na.". No. This is one occassion wherein I will certainly disobey him. Family always comes first for me. If ever I lose my current job (which is not impossible), I know I will certainly find another one in some months or years time (that is, should I still choose to continue living a monotonous life as a COBOL developer). But I know, I can never bring back the time lost when I should have helped and stayed with my family during the moments I was needed. And death is surely one of those moments. My teamlead at the office texted me last Monday asking me to come to work, despite the fact that I have texted her about my grandmother's death. How some people can become insensitive and inconsiderate of others, just because of work. She later apologized for that insensitivity. Had she pursued it, I would have texted her back, "Consider me for the next round of retrenchment. I don't want to work in a company, whose only goal is to have concern and resolve a f*ckin' bunch of tickets for its clients, but doesn't have the slightest tinge of concern and sensitivity to their grieving employees".

Yesterday my grandmother was buried. As her coffin was slowly lowered down the pit, I said a silent prayer. Being a good woman, I know she would be in God's presence soon. Perhaps, being nearer to God, she can relay to Him my prayers. "Lola Azon, I know you will be with God soon. Together with Lola Pacing, please help me pray to God, for Him to help me find a new beginning in my career. I am no longer happy and each day has become a struggle for me. Please help me pray that God helps me overcome whatever challenges I am facing right now. I want to leave this present career and start afresh with what my heart has desired 13 years ago - to be a writer, never a programmer - it's just that the financial restraints and obligations have always stopped me from pursuing this. Help me Lola Azon and Lola Pacing. Help me pray to God.".

Para sa mga kakilala ko na ganito ang ugali, eto lang ang masasabi ko. I may not be as wise and as technically adept as you are. But definitely I am several notches higher than you in terms of breeding. Hindi ko kayo pinapatulan hindi dahil takot ako sa inyo. Hindi ko kayo pinapatulan dahil sayang ang panahon, pagod, laway, at salitang gagamitin ko sa inyo. People like you don't deserve even a fragment of my attention, not even a single second of my time.

Immediately, I felt the urge to sign-up. I think it’s about time each Filipino does something for his/her Motherland.

Above is my starting pledge. I hope every Filipino makes one and act on it. It’s high time we do.

Since we left home late (around 10AM already), we reached the place at around 1PM. The place was quite jampacked. The parking lot could accommodate around 10-12 vehicles. And It was just my (bad) luck that there was still one single parking space left (as if some powerful force reserved it for us). We went in and found that we are waiting-to-be-seated. While waiting, my Mom placed the orders -  Nilagang Bulalo, Laing, Original Ilocano Bagnet (similar to the Lechon Kawali but more crispy), Pinaputok na Tilapia, Plain Rice, and Lemongrass Iced Tea in a Carafe. My Dad on the other hand, was closely looking at  the memorabilia displayed on the resto’s walls, which includes photographs from the owner’s (Happy Ongpauco) family. After waiting for a couple of minutes (I must admit that the waiting time was quite long), we got our table. It was a spot at the 2^nd floor, at the veranda side. My family and I liked the spot, because we were able to get a feel of the cold Tagaytay breeze, and Zion can scream his heart out without causing much attention from the people who are dining inside.

Maybe because we placed our orders earlier, our waiting time for the food was better. First to be served were the Bulalo and Tilapia, followed by the Rice and Laing. The soup from the Nilagang Bulalo was very delicious. And since the climate was causing me to freeze, the soup was very comforting. The meat from the Bulalo was cooked right,  it can be chewed and swallowed with minimal effort. Ü.  I was not able to savor the Tilapia yesterday but I had the chance to savor it during my first visit to Pamana last April. The Pinaputok na Tilapia was wrapped in banana leaves. The scent from the tilapia was very appetizing and despite the fact that it was grilled, the freshness of the fish was still preserved. The flavor from the fish garnishings added to the already-enticing tilapia.  According to my mom, the Laing was also delicious, although its richness made it quite “nakakaumay”. The rice serving was quite big, that one “palayok” can serve about 2-3 people. The unique Lemongrass   Iced Tea came in next. I just wished it came in first because the resto doesn’t serve water unless one asks for it. Nonetheless, the unique lemongrass iced tea was a respite from the regular Nestea or Lipton variants served in other dining spots. It was not that sweet but it can surely quench any person’s thirst.  Unfortunately, to my brother’s dismay (since he’s not into Bulalo, Tilapia, or Laing), the Bagnet came in late.  We had to make a follow-up on it before it got served.  Nevertheless, when it was served, everyone  (even my Dad who was not into pork) liked the delicious crispy Ilocano delicacy. After indulging in our sumptuous meal, my dad ordered a cup of brewed coffee to “wash away” the “umay” he had from eating the Bulalo and Bagnet. It was the traditional Kapeng Barako from the nearby province of Batangas.

Overall, the Pamana food trip experience is something any Filipino food lover should try. The delectable array of food items would bring back memories of our grandmothers’ cooking. The memorabilia on the resto’s wall  is a blast-from-the-past that would bring back the older generation to the good old days of Sampaguita and LVN pictures, while giving the younger generation a glimpse of how was life in the past. The resto’s cozy ambiance is very relaxing to any traveler who has just reached Tagaytay after battling it out with Manila’s traffic. Try to visit the place if you happen to be in Tagaytay:

Pamana Restaurant
Beside The Boutique - Bed and Breakfast
Just after the Tagaytay Rotunda
Aguinaldo Highway, Tagaytay City