Goodbye Lola Azon

I hate deaths. Last Saturday, another grandmother died - my father’s mom. I’m not that close to her as compared to my grandmother, my mother’s mom. But somehow, the thought of losing someone, never seeing, talking, touching him or her again, is something that I hate.

I took 4-days off from work. I knew I would be needed at home, even if my Dad keeps telling me “Ok lang, Anak. Sige, pumasok ka na.”. No. This is one occassion wherein I will certainly disobey him. Family always comes first for me. If ever I lose my current job (which is not impossible), I know I will certainly find another one in some months or years time (that is, should I still choose to continue living a monotonous life as a COBOL developer). But I know, I can never bring back the time lost when I should have helped and stayed with my family during the moments I was needed. And death is surely one of those moments. My teamlead at the office texted me last Monday asking me to come to work, despite the fact that I have texted her about my grandmother’s death. How some people can become insensitive and inconsiderate of others, just because of work. She later apologized for that insensitivity. Had she pursued it, I would have texted her back, “Consider me for the next round of retrenchment. I don’t want to work in a company, whose only goal is to have concern and resolve a f*ckin’ bunch of tickets for its clients, but doesn’t have the slightest tinge of concern and sensitivity to their grieving employees”.

Yesterday my grandmother was buried. As her coffin was slowly lowered down the pit, I said a silent prayer. Being a good woman, I know she would be in God’s presence soon. Perhaps, being nearer to God, she can relay to Him my prayers. “Lola Azon, I know you will be with God soon. Together with Lola Pacing, please help me pray to God, for Him to help me find a new beginning in my career. I am no longer happy and each day has become a struggle for me. Please help me pray that God helps me overcome whatever challenges I am facing right now. I want to leave this present career and start afresh with what my heart has desired 13 years ago - to be a writer, never a programmer - it’s just that the financial restraints and obligations have always stopped me from pursuing this. Help me Lola Azon and Lola Pacing. Help me pray to God.”.