Not Worth It

Today is one of those days wherein I just want to drop everything and quit this f*ckin’ battle. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth the sleepless nights I’m having. Not worth the prolonged menstruation days (3 bloody weeks!) I’m experiencing. Not worth the hormonal imbalance my body is going through. Not worth the tears at night I’m crying. Not worth the headaches and heartaches I’m getting out of frustration. It’s not worth it.

Yes, I’m being paid to fight this battle, but I guess, money is not always the end. Especially if one’s sanity, peace of mind, and happiness is on the line. Sadly, I became a pawn in this nasty battle - a pawn manipulated because of the monetary gains that I get. It’s like a drug that has grown on me and to let go means to suffer from withdrawal syndrome. But I know soon the weariness, stress, and frustration will get the better of me. Knowing myself, the need for the dough will not outweigh my longing for peace of mind. It’s just a matter of time…

Isang Bukas na Liham…

Isinusulat ko ang bukas na liham na ito dahil sa kabaliwan na inaabot ko sa aking kasalukuyang sitwasyon. Wala itong kinalaman sa aking buhay-pag-ibig (dahil wala rin naman akong buhay pag-ibig.. hehehe..) kaya hindi dapat maging malisyoso at malisyosa sa pagbabasa.

Ito ay isang bukas na liham para sa ilan kong kakilala.

Una, nais kong ipaalam sa inyo na sa anim na opisina na akin nang napasukan, sa kasalukuyan kong opisina ako pinaka-aburido. Ayos lang sana ang aburido sa trabaho. Lumilipas at pana-panahon lang naman ang mga masakit sa ulo na tiket. Sana ganun din ang sitwasyon sa mga chismosa’t intrigera sa opisina. Sana pana-panahon at sana lumilipas din sila. Kaya lang hindi. Kaya dagdag-aburido ang mga ganitong tao.

Ikalawa, nais ko ipaalam sa inyo na alam ko karamihan (hindi man lahat) ng bagay na sinasabi nyo sa likod ko. Mabait ang Diyos. Hindi pa rin ako pinapabayaan. May mga matitino at mga totoong tao pa rin sa opisina.. mga totoong tao na hindi gaya ninyong mga Hudas. Mula ng makilala ko kayo, nalaman ko na nagsasalita, naglalakad, tumatawa, at nagtsi-tsismisan pala ang mga timba at aparador ng Orocan. Ganun kasi kayo. Orocan sa kaplastikan. Mabait kapag kaharap. Kaaway na lihim kapag nakatalikod.

Ikatlo, wala akong pakialam kung iilan na lang tao ang pumapansin sa akin sa opisina. Hindi naman ako pumapasok para makipag-chismisan at makipag-huntahan lang, gaya ninyo. Pumapasok ako sa opisina para magtrabaho at ayusin ang mga bwisit kong tikets, hindi para makipag-tsismisan at mag-kape, tanghalian, meryenda break - gaya ninyo. Wala sa akin kung hindi ninyo ako pansinin, basta kinakausap ako ng mga amo ko (boss ko), ng HR (dahil sila ang nagpapasahod sa akin), at ng iilang piling kaibigan na alam kong totoo.

Ikaapat, kung akala nyo takot ako na bitiwan itong hinahawakan ko ngayon, nagkakamali kayo. Hindi ako gaya ninyo. Napaka-gagaling humusga at napakayayabang sa pag-iisip na madali ang hawak ko, pero napaka-duwag din naman na hawakan ang hawak ko. Kung totoong magaling kayo gaya ng ibinibida ninyo, bakit ayaw nyo sumubok man lang sa ginagawa ko. Ang hirap sa inyo, ang dali nyong magsalita at magsabi na mababaw lang ang tubig, pero takot kayong tumalon at sumisid para malaman kung gaano kababaw o kalalim.

Ikalima, mali kayo kung inaakala ninyo na takot ako mawalan ng trabaho kaya ako malapit sa ilan tao sa opisina. Marunong lang ako manimbang kung sino ang mga taong dapat pakitaan ng mabuti dahil mabuti rin naman sila sa akin. Kung naging mabuti din kayo sa akin, malapit din ako sa inyo. Kung di ninyo ako binanatan sa likod, hindi ko rin kayo babanatan sa bukas na liham na ito. Hindi ako takot mawalan ng trabaho. Hinayang, oo. Takot hindi. May kaibahan ang dalawa. At kung matanggal man ako, alam kong malinis ang konsensya ko. Malinis ang konsensya ko dahil ginawa ko ang trabaho ko sa abot ng makakaya ko. Hanggang bahay inuuwi ko ang trabaho ko. Minsan umaabot pa sa puntong ang oras ko para sa anak ko ay napupunta pa sa trabaho. Malinis ang konsensya ko na ginawa ko ang makakaya ko, na hindi ko inubos ang oras ko sa opisina sa panonood ng DVD, pamamasyal sa mall, pag-iinternet, pagtsi-tsismisan, at pagkain ng tangalian ng merienda na inaabot ng isang oras mahigit. Maaaring hindi ako kasing-talino ninyo, pero alam kong hindi dapat abusuhin ang trabaho at talino ko. Sa bagay na ‘to, hindi ako takot na mawalan ng trabaho - ang utak at talino kasi nagagawan ng paraan basta’t may tiyaga, pero ang pangit na ugali at asal, mahirap hanapan ng lunas.

Hindi ko alam kung magkakabati pa tayo. Hindi ako umaasa. Hindi ko nga alam kung mababasa ninyo ito. Isinulat ko ito para ipaabot sa inyo na mulat ako sa mga pinagagagawa nyo sa akin. Hindi dahil sa tahimik ako ay hindi ko dinaramdam ang mga bagay bagay. Hindi dahil sa tahimik ako takot ako sa inyo. Hinding-hindi. Pinili kong manahimik dahil ayaw ko pumatol sa mga katulad ninyo. Sayang lang ang laway, oras, at pagod ko. Naniniwala ako sa karma. Naniniwala ako na hindi natutulog ang Diyos. Bahala na Siya sa inyo.

Desiderata

My Dad and I were on our way home around 6pm. My Dad is usually listening to his favorite radio station, RJ100.3 FM when suddenly, I heard this song being aired. I knew I have heard (or read) of the lyrics before. It was, however, my first time to hear the song version. The lyrics were really inspiring. I had to download it from the internet, and play it everytime I really feel depressed with my work, or whenever I feel pissed with some of the people in the office. — “Avoid loud and aggresive people.. they are vexations to the spirit..”.. Hehehe.. I like this one.. Bwahaha! >:-)

Desiderata
- Les Crane

Desiderata. Desiderata. Desiderata.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others -
Even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons - they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career -
However humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
Many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection, neither be cynical about love.
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
It is as perenial as the grass.
Take kindly the council of the years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune,
But do not distress yourself with imaginings -
Many fears are borne of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe.
No less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Goodbye Lola Azon

I hate deaths. Last Saturday, another grandmother died - my father’s mom. I’m not that close to her as compared to my grandmother, my mother’s mom. But somehow, the thought of losing someone, never seeing, talking, touching him or her again, is something that I hate.

I took 4-days off from work. I knew I would be needed at home, even if my Dad keeps telling me “Ok lang, Anak. Sige, pumasok ka na.”. No. This is one occassion wherein I will certainly disobey him. Family always comes first for me. If ever I lose my current job (which is not impossible), I know I will certainly find another one in some months or years time (that is, should I still choose to continue living a monotonous life as a COBOL developer). But I know, I can never bring back the time lost when I should have helped and stayed with my family during the moments I was needed. And death is surely one of those moments. My teamlead at the office texted me last Monday asking me to come to work, despite the fact that I have texted her about my grandmother’s death. How some people can become insensitive and inconsiderate of others, just because of work. She later apologized for that insensitivity. Had she pursued it, I would have texted her back, “Consider me for the next round of retrenchment. I don’t want to work in a company, whose only goal is to have concern and resolve a f*ckin’ bunch of tickets for its clients, but doesn’t have the slightest tinge of concern and sensitivity to their grieving employees”.

Yesterday my grandmother was buried. As her coffin was slowly lowered down the pit, I said a silent prayer. Being a good woman, I know she would be in God’s presence soon. Perhaps, being nearer to God, she can relay to Him my prayers. “Lola Azon, I know you will be with God soon. Together with Lola Pacing, please help me pray to God, for Him to help me find a new beginning in my career. I am no longer happy and each day has become a struggle for me. Please help me pray that God helps me overcome whatever challenges I am facing right now. I want to leave this present career and start afresh with what my heart has desired 13 years ago - to be a writer, never a programmer - it’s just that the financial restraints and obligations have always stopped me from pursuing this. Help me Lola Azon and Lola Pacing. Help me pray to God.”.

Monday Blues

Sabi ng Lola ko, sadyang may mga taong nakakakita ng butas ng karayom, pero hindi ang butas ng palakol. May mga taong magaling magbigay ng puna at mamintas ng iba ng hindi nakikita ang sariling kahinaan or kamalian. Bago ka humusga, tignan mo muna ang sarili mo.

Para sa mga kakilala ko na ganito ang ugali, eto lang ang masasabi ko. I may not be as wise and as technically adept as you are. But definitely I am several notches higher than you in terms of breeding. Hindi ko kayo pinapatulan hindi dahil takot ako sa inyo. Hindi ko kayo pinapatulan dahil sayang ang panahon, pagod, laway, at salitang gagamitin ko sa inyo. People like you don’t deserve even a fragment of my attention, not even a single second of my time.

Bullies

I hate bullies. The real serious ones. Those who know they are in power or have positions and use these positions to scare and boss around. Instead of using their position and power to motivate and empower people, they used it to push people around as if these people are pawns in a game of chess. Haller.. are you God? There is a difference between leading and bullying. Leading motivates and empowers people, and making them feel they are one’s equals. Leading begets respect. Bullying means belittling people and pushing them around. Bullying only cultivates fear, never respect. May the earth swallow all these bullies.

Frustration 101

This is one of those days I really regret leaving my previous work. I feel alone, frustrated, and abandoned here at work. I just want to turn-off my PC, pack my belongings and leave. For good. Forever. Magagaling naman sila dito. They can take over whatever I leave behind.

Ako Mismo

I chanced upon this movement when I read the newspaper this morning. It featured a wide variety of personalities, from local celebrities to ordinary citizens of the Philippines.  My curiosity got the better of me so I tried to check the movement’s website (http://www.akomismo.org).

Immediately, I felt the urge to sign-up. I think it’s about time each Filipino does something for his/her Motherland.

Above is my starting pledge. I hope every Filipino makes one and act on it. It’s high time we do.

Foodtrip: The Pamana Experience

Yesterday was Labor Day Friday here in Manila – a non-working holiday. And since our home (my parents’ room, to be exact) was undergoing some re-painting, my family decided to go on a road trip to Tagaytay. They were very much impressed with my stories regarding my palate experience at Pamana Restaurant that they decided to have lunch there – at my expense - I will be treating them for lunch. Talk about me and my big mouth.

Since we left home late (around 10AM already), we reached the place at around 1PM. The place was quite jampacked. The parking lot could accommodate around 10-12 vehicles. And It was just my (bad) luck that there was still one single parking space left (as if some powerful force reserved it for us). We went in and found that we are waiting-to-be-seated. While waiting, my Mom placed the orders -  Nilagang Bulalo, Laing, Original Ilocano Bagnet (similar to the Lechon Kawali but more crispy), Pinaputok na Tilapia, Plain Rice, and Lemongrass Iced Tea in a Carafe. My Dad on the other hand, was closely looking at  the memorabilia displayed on the resto’s walls, which includes photographs from the owner’s (Happy Ongpauco) family. After waiting for a couple of minutes (I must admit that the waiting time was quite long), we got our table. It was a spot at the 2^nd floor, at the veranda side. My family and I liked the spot, because we were able to get a feel of the cold Tagaytay breeze, and Zion can scream his heart out without causing much attention from the people who are dining inside.

Maybe because we placed our orders earlier, our waiting time for the food was better. First to be served were the Bulalo and Tilapia, followed by the Rice and Laing. The soup from the Nilagang Bulalo was very delicious. And since the climate was causing me to freeze, the soup was very comforting. The meat from the Bulalo was cooked right,  it can be chewed and swallowed with minimal effort. Ü.  I was not able to savor the Tilapia yesterday but I had the chance to savor it during my first visit to Pamana last April. The Pinaputok na Tilapia was wrapped in banana leaves. The scent from the tilapia was very appetizing and despite the fact that it was grilled, the freshness of the fish was still preserved. The flavor from the fish garnishings added to the already-enticing tilapia.  According to my mom, the Laing was also delicious, although its richness made it quite “nakakaumay”. The rice serving was quite big, that one “palayok” can serve about 2-3 people. The unique Lemongrass   Iced Tea came in next. I just wished it came in first because the resto doesn’t serve water unless one asks for it. Nonetheless, the unique lemongrass iced tea was a respite from the regular Nestea or Lipton variants served in other dining spots. It was not that sweet but it can surely quench any person’s thirst.  Unfortunately, to my brother’s dismay (since he’s not into Bulalo, Tilapia, or Laing), the Bagnet came in late.  We had to make a follow-up on it before it got served.  Nevertheless, when it was served, everyone  (even my Dad who was not into pork) liked the delicious crispy Ilocano delicacy. After indulging in our sumptuous meal, my dad ordered a cup of brewed coffee to “wash away” the “umay” he had from eating the Bulalo and Bagnet. It was the traditional Kapeng Barako from the nearby province of Batangas.

Overall, the Pamana food trip experience is something any Filipino food lover should try. The delectable array of food items would bring back memories of our grandmothers’ cooking. The memorabilia on the resto’s wall  is a blast-from-the-past that would bring back the older generation to the good old days of Sampaguita and LVN pictures, while giving the younger generation a glimpse of how was life in the past. The resto’s cozy ambiance is very relaxing to any traveler who has just reached Tagaytay after battling it out with Manila’s traffic. Try to visit the place if you happen to be in Tagaytay:

Pamana Restaurant
Beside The Boutique - Bed and Breakfast
Just after the Tagaytay Rotunda
Aguinaldo Highway, Tagaytay City

A Make-Or-Break Day

Tomorrow’s a make-or-break day for me. I’m having mixed feelings about this, but I know that I should pursue this endeavor. As always, I’m just giving it my best shot, and just placing it in God’s hands. Wish me luck…

Thoughts from A Single Parent

Today’s a very tiring but very happy day for me. My son celebrated his 3rd birthday at a nearby but famous fastfood chain. I only invited my closest relatives and friends, those who knew the “history” of my son. The emcee of my son’s kiddie party approached me before the party started and asked if it’s alright with me and my son’s dad to give birthday wishes and do the final remarks. My son’s dad. Yeah you’ve read it right. I tried to control a chuckle,  and told the emcee that I could give the final remarks, that my son’s dad is not available. I also requested her not to mention anything about my son’s dad during the party.

It’s been three years. Actually to be more accurate, it’s almost 4 years since I last saw the shadow of my sperm donor (a.k.a. my son’s dad). I have already moved on and deep within, I have already forgiven him for all the heartaches (and headaches) he has caused me. But it doesn’t mean I have forgotten the lessons I learned from that experience. There are those moments wherein I ridicule and make nasty comments about him, but that doesn’t mean I’m still bitter. Time heals all wounds. And although the scars of the past will always be there to remind me of my foolishness, I know the pain is no longer there. And sincerely, I also hope that he has moved on and has found the right woman for him – a woman who shares his beliefs, principles, and most importantly, his faith.

Lunchbreak Woes

I am writing this blog entry during our lunch break here in the office. Everybody seems to be quiet and my nearby cubemates are also doing their own stuff.

I miss these moments wherein I could relax during lunchbreaks. Lately, even my nap time (and internet time) during lunchbreaks are being stolen away by my work. *sigh* I miss those moments wherein I can call my 3-year-old son back at home during lunchbreaks and spend some 10 minutes on the phone with him asking him what he’s watching on television and what’s he having for lunch. I miss those moments wherein I could walk to the mall and window-shop during lunch breaks. Those brisk-walking sessions help me unwind and clear my mind, enabling me to return to work refreshed and more energetic.

Oh well. The price I have to pay for a so-called good-paying job. These are one of those moments wherein I can say that money isn’t everything. I miss my good old lunchbreak days… *sigh*…

Sunburn

I thought I won’t get it. I was actually disappointed this morning because I thought all my efforts went to waste because I really want a slight change in my skin color. This morning and this afternoon, it wasn’t that painful yet. Now it’s starting to irritate me. “Humahapdi na”, as we call it in Filipino. And although I love my tan color right now, the burning sensation on my shoulders is something I don’t love. Hmmm… Perhaps I’m just tired and sleepy. Perhaps it’s also the thought that I have to see my problem tickets again tomorrow. My skin burns. My eyes burn. Tomorrow, Monday, perhaps even my temper will reach burning levels. Oh well… I hate my sunburn.

Why Another Blogsite?

Now you may ask me why another blogsite when I already have one at Friendster (which appears to have been neglected), another one at Multiply, and now another here in i.ph.

Well.. I just want to create one personal blogsite where I can post my thoughts for everyone to see. I’m planning to keep my posts in my Multiply site for my contacts-eyes-only. And I’m planning to keep my posts in Multiply visible to only my family and close friends (acquaintaces and so-called friends are not counted so they’re definitely out of the picture). My posts here in i.ph are more “public”. Unless the post is really something very special (like the “You” poem which I dedicate to my son) then I’ll post it in both Multiply and here in i.ph.

So watch out for the things that I’ll write about here in my i.ph account. It may range from serious to silly, from the mundane to the extraordinary, and from what i see to what i feel. 

You

I have written this poem about a year-and-a-half ago and have posted it on my Friendster blog as my Valentine’s Day poem dedicated to my one and only Zion. Since April is Zion’s birthmonth, I chose to feature this poem here in my personal blog in i.ph (also featured in my Multiply site - I’m trying to synchronize my blogs).

You…

… are the sunshine that brightens up my gloomy mornings
… are the brightest star in the deep dark night
… are the breath of fresh air to my suffocated life force
… are the salt and sugar that flavors my bitter existence
… are the gentle touch that heals the wounds of the past
… are the tiny ray of hope to my bleak future
… are my refuge from the harsh winds of change
… are the flame that melts my ice-cold heart
… are the only straight path in my warped and twisted mind
… are the only real thing in my disoriented and disillusioned world
… are the light at the end of the dark tunnels of my life.
… are the great river that quenches my thirst and hunger for salvation
… are the rope that pulled me when I was at the end of my line
… are the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow
… are my greatest strength and strongest weakness rolled into one.
… are more priceless than all the diamonds of the earth
… are the most precious gem conceived by Mother Nature
… are happiness and hope personified.
… are the fullness and fullfilment of my being
… are a dream come true
… are the best thing that happened to me.
… are my yesterday, my today, my tomorrow.
… are my morning, my noon, and my night.
… are special to me. You always have been. You always will be.
… are my everdearest, my one, my only LOVE.